Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Explosion frustration

Hello again.

Do you ever get sick of yourself?

I can hardly stand myself right now. It's like I'm so afraid of being a certain way that I'm inadvertently becoming exactly that which I don't want to be. I am so self absorbed, self loathing, yet constantly trying to prove myself which, as you can imagine, leads yet again into the cycle of getting something in my head, half heartedly attempting it, failing, knowing I would fail, telling myself it's ok, I didn't really try that hard anyway, etc. It's disgusting and I hate it. An 'out' that I have, out of the work that I have to do here is thinking about going home. If my mind is in the future and in Kansas, I don't even realize that I'm not doing what I need to here. It's all fairly optional, but only in that I'm not held responsible for any of the information until finals, but having gone through that last semester, I know that that is no way to do a class. It sucks. It is hard. You end up with acceptable but less than ideal grades. Freaking Geschichte der Industralisierung. Ich hasse dich.

This morning, for instance, (too many commas? I use a lot of commas. They seem to fit everywhere.) I got up at 7.45am. Plenty of time to get all the reading done, run, cook myself something yummy, and surf around the internet for a while. Ask me. Ask how much of that I have accomplished today. I didn't even smoke, as is the the normal reason for my lack of actual progress. I got NO reading done. One page. (Sidenote: An article on German literary tendencies and time periods/classifications proved doch zu schaffen, aber das war fast ohne Wert. Ohne massbare Wert soll ich sagen.)

The worst part of hating yourself is how self absorbed you have to be to do so. I wouldn't have this problem if I were more focused on the work to be done instead of myself and how I'm feeling. God. This sucks.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

But even though this is a weird phase, life is good. Life is always good. Remember that, for only when that is forgotten is hope lost. Things will get better. They always do.

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