Rolling on.

Since when did caring too much become a bad thing?

You have to believe in the possibility of change before change can happen.

Frozen images. In my head. Come back. Everything's thawed. And's been molding in my Abwesenheit.

Pathetic!

"HELL IS not empty. On the contrary, according to the Holy See’s Promoter Of Justice, Msgr Charles Scicluna, hell is full of paedophile priests.

Speaking on Saturday in St Peter’s at a service of reparation for abuse committed by priests, Msgr Scicluna suggested that priests guilty of paedophile abuse were destined for particular punishment in the afterlife "

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY YOU SHOULDN'T TOUCH KIDS SEXUALLY BECAUSE YOU'LL GO TO A SPECIAL HELL? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE IT MESSES UP THE CHILDREN?

Travelling north, travelling north to find you
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
Call out your name love, don't be surprised

It's so many miles and so long since I've left you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

Nothing at all, in my head, to say to you
Only the beat of the train I'm on
Nothing I've learned all my life on the way to you
One day our love was over and gone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll say when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

What will I do if there's someone there with you
Maybe someone you've always known
How do I know I can come and give to you
Love with no warning and find you alone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

It won't be long
It won't be long
It won't be long

My life is unreal. This weather has made me pretty much euphoric. I have pictures of Muenster but I don't want to show them to anyone because it does not do the past two days justice. So very lucky. I love life; I love living.

Wake up and appreciate things!

Neue Gedanke, neue Wörter.

Warum mag ich Deutsch so sehr? Es ist eigentlich unerklärbar aber trotzdem wahr. Ich schreibe eine Hausarbeit über meinen Arbeit bei der englischen Preschool und Zweispracherwerb und muss dafür viel recherchieren. Obwohl es viel Arbeit braucht, bin ich froh, weil ich so viel lerne, besonders die Fachwörter, die man für die Linguistik braucht. Ich bin auch gespannt die Dinge, die ich lerne, in die Wirklichkeit zu sehen.

Die Wahrnehmung und die Sprache entwickeln gleichzeitig...was bedeutet das für den Zweispracherwerb? Was bedeutet das für Nationalitäten? Sehe ich die Welt irgendwie anders, bzw. anders als eine Deutsche nur weil ich Englisch als Muttersprache habe?

Gute Fragen finde ich, aber ich kann dir noch nicht alles erklären. Mal sehen, was ich herausfinde. :) Bin gespannt.

Wir kommen nicht mehr zusammen. Ist mir gestern eingefallen. Scheisse! FUCK. Scheisse.

Ok. Yesterday was bad, but don't think that I'm having a miserable time here. I need some Vitamin D in my system and the sun is refusing to shine. How much longer before it comes back from its strike?

Explosion frustration

Hello again.

Do you ever get sick of yourself?

I can hardly stand myself right now. It's like I'm so afraid of being a certain way that I'm inadvertently becoming exactly that which I don't want to be. I am so self absorbed, self loathing, yet constantly trying to prove myself which, as you can imagine, leads yet again into the cycle of getting something in my head, half heartedly attempting it, failing, knowing I would fail, telling myself it's ok, I didn't really try that hard anyway, etc. It's disgusting and I hate it. An 'out' that I have, out of the work that I have to do here is thinking about going home. If my mind is in the future and in Kansas, I don't even realize that I'm not doing what I need to here. It's all fairly optional, but only in that I'm not held responsible for any of the information until finals, but having gone through that last semester, I know that that is no way to do a class. It sucks. It is hard. You end up with acceptable but less than ideal grades. Freaking Geschichte der Industralisierung. Ich hasse dich.

This morning, for instance, (too many commas? I use a lot of commas. They seem to fit everywhere.) I got up at 7.45am. Plenty of time to get all the reading done, run, cook myself something yummy, and surf around the internet for a while. Ask me. Ask how much of that I have accomplished today. I didn't even smoke, as is the the normal reason for my lack of actual progress. I got NO reading done. One page. (Sidenote: An article on German literary tendencies and time periods/classifications proved doch zu schaffen, aber das war fast ohne Wert. Ohne massbare Wert soll ich sagen.)

The worst part of hating yourself is how self absorbed you have to be to do so. I wouldn't have this problem if I were more focused on the work to be done instead of myself and how I'm feeling. God. This sucks.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

But even though this is a weird phase, life is good. Life is always good. Remember that, for only when that is forgotten is hope lost. Things will get better. They always do.

Das momentarische Ich

I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time

'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine

And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure had fun, so

I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path

And if you wanna make sense
What you looking at me for
I'm no good at math

And when I find my way back
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake?

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake, I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

Fiona Apple

Bravery

I turn on the TV when I don't want to think of anything, not a single thing.

The TV is on but all I want to do is think.

Of anything.

This is really hard.

Was ich will.

And if the snow buries my
My neighborhood
And if my parents are crying
Then I'll dig a tunnel
From my window to yours
Yeah, a tunnel from my window to yours

You climb out the chimney
And meet me in the middle
The middle of the town
And since there's no one else around
We let our hair grow long
And forget all we used to know
Then our skin gets thicker
From living out in the snow

You change all the lead
Sleeping in my head
As the day grows dim
I hear you sing a golden hymn

Then we tried to name our babies
But we forgot all the names that
The names we used to know
But sometimes, we remember our bedrooms
And our parent's bedrooms
And the bedrooms of our friends
Then we think of our parents
Well, what ever happened to them

You change all the lead
Sleeping in my head to gold
As the day grows dim
I hear you sing a golden hymn
The song I've been trying to sing

Purify the colors, purify my mind
Purify the colors, purify my mind
And spread the ashes of the colors
Over this heart of mine!

This is the most romantic song.

Das Leben ist schoen. Das Leben ist verwirrend.

Dieser Zeitpunkt des Lebens ist chaotisch und scheint immer durcheinander zu sein. Ich weiss nicht, ob ich das mag oder nicht. Es ist doch spannend, dass alles was ich im nächsten Jahr entscheide so wichtig ist, aber das heisst, dass ich Angst kriege, dass ich was falsch machen werde. Meine Mutter hat mich gestern informiert, dass sie ab nächstes Jahr mir nicht mehr mit meiner finanzielle Situation helfen wird. Ich verstehe ganz genau warum sie nicht mehr helfen kann, aber jetzt bin ich unter Druck gesetzt, Geld zu verdienen. Der Zustand mit meinem ehemaligen Freund ist auch was neues, weil ich nicht mehr weiss, was ich von ihm will. Seit einige Tage habe ich mir gedacht, wie schoen es wäre, ein Jahr in Spanien zu verbringen. Früher wollte ich Englisch in Brasilien unterrichten, aber ich denke die Atmosphäre in Spanien sehr hilfsvoll und entspannend wäre, eine neue Sprache zu lernen. Die Jobs, die ich haben will, benötigen Englisch-Spanisch zweisprachige Leute. AHHHAHAHHAA. Ich will Abenteuer. Aber ich will ihn. Die Frage könnte wohl sein: will er mich?

So viele ausländische Studenten/innen kommen zu Innovation Point und ich frage mich WARUM? Ich stimme zu, dass Innovation Point sehr geniessbar ist, aber warum so viele Ausländische?

Ich weiss nicht wie ein Erwachsene zu sein.

Ich finde morgen heraus ob ich den Job bei KU Auslands Amt bekommen habe oder nicht. Ich hoffffffffeeeeee schon.

Saturday mornings in Bonn in the Spring are possibly one of the most pleasant things I've experienced. The sights, smells, and sounds are completely different than they were in the Winter. Hello big, beautiful Magnolia and Cherry Blossom trees. Hello warm sun. Hello rich green grass of the Hofgarten. Ich liebe Bonn und Deutsch sprechen und will niemals nach Hause. Scheisse.

ICH WILL EIN ABENTEUERLICHES LEBEN. ICH WILL NIE ARBEITEN ODER VERANTWORTUNG HABEN. Is that too much to ask?

1. The fact that we have to pay for education in America is abhorrent to me. To have an educated society who not only have passed classes but who actually have been taught to think and reason is the most valuable asset a country can have. Why then would we make it so financially strenuous that only the very wealthy can study what they want and all others must make it quickly through university, studying something 'reasonable' in order to produce the most amount of money in the end. Our whole culture is whirling around this idiotic human construction called money when we should be more concerned with having worthwhile citizens.

I have a lot more to say but I am myself bemuehen und deswegen sage ich auf wiedersehen. Ich mache meine Hausafgaben wie ein braves Maedchen.

Biking is all I do

I LOVE BIKING!

Unfortunately I have a shit-man-bike whose gears are messed up and who rattles everywhere I take it. However, the one redeeming quality (other than that it does, in fact, go) is its seat, which is a beautiful shade of green.

I ride it to my internship three days a week (the other days too, but not as much) and have become increasingly more in love with bike riding. I think that I'll invest in a good road bike when I get home.

I ride thirty minutes down the main street through the old government quarter from when Bonn was the capital. The buildings were just business buildings when the government moved in, and resumed being business buildings when the government moved out. Men in black suits rolling briefcases in my bike lane give me looks that are mixed between envious and resentful. I can't tell if they are wanting to be me, free and fast on my bike, or if they are unimpressed and irritated that I've gotten in their way. From the German kids whose parents can afford to send them to the English preschool (for another post: how stinkingggggggggg cute they are) I go to Tannenbusch, the poorer part of Bonn. I help the kids there with their English homework, but my ride to Tannenbusch (where there is a high concentration of Middle Eastern immigrants) is much different than to Bad Godesberg (upper middle class). I wanted to somehow explain the shocking disparity that I am confronted with, but all of the sudden I have no words which are not cliche or devoid of real meaning. I'll just say that it's alarming. It's a different world that these kids live in--and they're only 15 min away from each other by car.

That's not what I wanted to write about though! I just wanted to say: Hey! You! Get out of my bike lane!

Also, I love love love cold coffee.

Higher!

1. Poppelsdorferallee is one again like driving under a balcony of trees

2. Mechanics of people flow in and out of a bottleneck..the logistics, psychology of it.

There is no word to describe life.

took my lucky break and I broke it in two,
Put on my worried shoes, my worried shoes,

Took me so many miles and they never wore out,
My worried shoes, my worried shoes,

Oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, my worried shoes,

I made a mistake that I never forgot,
Tied knots in the laces of my worried shoes,

Every step that I take is another mistake,
I march further and further away in my worried shoes,

Oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, my worried shoes,

My shoes took me down a crooked path,
Away from all welcome mats,
My worried shoes,

I looked all around and saw the sun shining down,
Took off my worried shoes, my worried shoes,

Oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo,
My worried shoes.

I will never believe in mistakes. I can't! Things just happen like they happen. And that's it. And everything is ok.

"I could think about the past and what I'd been through as I struggled to locate myself and learn what the heart is. Perhaps in the future I would live more deeply. And so I sat in the center of this old city that I loved..I was surrounded by people I loved, and I felt happy and miserable at the same time. I thought of what a mess everything had been, but that it wouldn't always be that way." From The Buddha of Suburbia. An alright book although I would not necessarily recommend it.

Common Sense?

It's hard, but I believe in you. You can shirk off everything you've been inundated with and you can live simply and smartly. Take the power into YOUR hands and see what YOU really think is important. Above all else, I hope you can be so brave as to live what you believe. Find something you believe in and live it. Don't be afraid to tell people your values. Sing and scream and push and persist...but do it. You have the choice to live life blindly or live decidedly. I have found things which I believe in and if it kills me, I will live accordingly. Nothing is more disgusting than the person who says one thing and does another. Please, be strong. Be someone you can respect.

Live what you believe.

Lebe so wie das, was du glaubst.

I'm getting radical.

Starting

NOW.